Just Like Chemistry Class

I am sitting at my laptop having spent the last few minutes wondering whether using the words “hefty” and “substantial” would be too much in a single sentence. Both words carry quite a bit of weight, in the metaphorical sense, and as I stared at the phrase I had the vivid sensation that I was balancing a chemical equation. As I continue to edit with more and more detail, this problem of weight occurs more frequently.

The specific sentence I was working with started out simply enough. I have a habit of using filler sentences when writing in order to get an idea out quickly so that I can move on before the rest of the information I have shoved between my ears vanishes like a northern summer. It read as so:

“He finished giving Erin a quick, but kind handshake and went on his way.”

Sometimes I don’t notice these filler phrases as I write them and only notice them (or someone else does…) when it comes time to edit. I have decided not to see them as sloppy work or a bad habit as they allow me to finish writing without getting stuck contemplating one sentence for hours. Of course, these simple sentences aren’t always boring; often they are necessary. However, the “he” in this sentence is an important character and this is his first appearance. He deserves more than to have his actions told; he deserves to have them shown.

In trying to breathe some life into this sentence I originally changed it to:

“He finished giving Erin a quick but kind handshake and exited through a hefty door that shut with a substantial hiss.”

This was better, but not right. It was a matter of weight that made me pause and feel like this phrase was unfinished. Here, I use both the words “hefty” and “substantial,” and the overall feeling of this sentence has become ultimately too heavy. Much like balancing a chemical equation, breaking up this sentence would yield an uneven and overall erroneous result.

The word “hefty” felt right. The imagined doors were thick metal, held shut with locks and akin to something you’d see in a hospital setting. That left me contemplating the use of the word “substantial.” Would a door be described as shut with a “substantial hiss?” This thought lead me to ponder what other sorts of objects made hissing sounds when active. I immediately thought of a steam pipe. As vapor exits venting along a series of pipes, wouldn’t that make a strong hissing sound? Yes, and it’d be substantial. Much more substantial than the shutting of a door.

Eureka!

I was able to fix the sentence quickly after this realization and felt greatly empowered as I did so.

Logic works with writing as well as chemistry; what a wonderful feeling! And so, after the addition of a few more words to balance the sentence, a weak filler phrase eventually became:

“Dr. Wallace gave Erin a quick, but kind handshake and pressed forward, exiting expeditiously through a hefty door that shut with a soft hiss.”

Ahhh. Feels right. Now I can move on….

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